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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

RELEASE ART!

by softest

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1.
what do i wanna be? some in demand indie man that's not what i am i think i'd rather be alone i think who am i trying to please? some 20 something photographer who's not even in your scene why does this mean anything to you? i am a conversation i am a radio i am the fusion of two souls a human and a dog i am all of the above i am all of the above you just want a mother you just want the smothering of love and kiss and cuddles you just miss your brothers
2.
you said i don't like this you're looking lifeless press my head against the pillow sleep when it's quiet said i look lifeless i'll show you lifeless i'll show you knife that's pressed to the soft part of my neck and i don't like this but that's just how it went piece of metal from the kitchen feel my pulse against the edge and i don't like this but that's just how it went put the shell of a pen up my nose and breathe in and breathe in and swallow and breathe in and i don't like it but that's the way it went nothing happened to me this is just something i did and you told me it's cause you were sick you don't have to do this part by yourself again i don't like it sleep when it's quiet it's never quiet
3.
everything's falling apart you're here so nothing is wrong i really was happy with him i was so happy with him can you stop hurting my friends? can you please stop hurting my friends did it break your heart as well? that night you went out drinking and i felt like i was back at fourteen back when i loved everything stay up late you don't join me back when i loved everything and i'd come home to texting erik i know i said i'd stop writing songs about you and i promise you i thought that i meant it but i just don't want to forget do you still have vodka coming out of your skin when you sweat well i'm a magnet for teenage alcoholics, it seems it's just all my friends achieve i know i shouldn't ask for these things but i'll get you back the money i just don't want to be me i don't know, i don't know i don't know how you've fucking coped all this time without a vice you ask me why don't i try it and i lie and i avert my eyes i don't know, i don't know i don't know how i've fucking coped i don't know you ask me why don't i try it and i lie i say it burns my throat
4.
if i could find someone to share my life with who knows what makes me cry and when i need it if i could find somebody who knows you're supposed to squeeze the sides and not the front when will my body and brain make a decision of how to remain when can you realise you already have a friend who takes care of you every night you should just realise you just have to sort out the mood swings and you'll be fine all's i want is someone next to me ninety percent of the time is that so much to ask for? if i could take my friend out of his cage we'd both be free i'm not insane if i could take my friend out of his cage we'd both be free i'm not insane
5.
third person 03:22
if i were to clench my teeth in my sleep would you be there to relieve my jaw it's aching rub your fingers where my skull halves meet you say i've been talking in my sleep i wanna know what that guy's thinking i wanna know why he says stuff in his dreams who's he talking to? no one's interested in you why do you refer to yourself in third person? why so often? why are you always someone else if you're just talking to yourself?
6.
my pet puppy won't tell me what's going on can't find paper to write it on can't manage to put it in a song scared and lonely so you be your own pet dog how are you getting on the nasty bad side of everyone smell of vomit whenever you turn on the sink thought you said you were getting clean i'm not gonna yell i'm not angry pierce your lips and kiss you so your lungs don't scream i think you're like family can't you see what you're doing to me? well of course i can but this feels bigger than me i'm gonna go stand outside watching my own body and i know you don't hurt too much but i can't help feeling guilty about the state i'm in like the reign's been taken from me
7.
lighthouse 02:14
old friend, i had a dream you came to me and i woke up like a dead person the next morning it made my upper chest sink into the bed it made my hands go shakey and made the skin on my neck turn red you said i have to take care of a lighthouse with you said i have to take care of a lighthouse with you we could blame it on bad timing but i've been thinking of drowning and how water in my ears makes everyone feel underground and i've been drinking all my water all from holes dug in the dirt and i've been eating all my food all off of branches that i've found and i've been walking through a forest trying to find a cop station and i heard a voice hello i screamed quick please put down the phone the police car went by and saw me in my wet clothes
8.
i never want to be the one who tells you awful things everything that's happening i'd rather keep it all to me you tell me you miss me i tell you so do i but i have gone missing and i do not know why i'm not feeling grateful that i am the only constant in my life but my friend told me that there is nature before and after maybe i should change my perspective but i've been changing perspectives, since i was a kid and i'm tired of it, to be honest and i'm at the peak of my growing up phases and i'm tired of it to be honest would it be better to fast forward to me in an office in some suits that i'll hate but i'll take over dresses could i fast forward to my own apartment i'm tired of sitting in the room can i get out of my head for a bit can i move to a place where they take suits over dresses can i have friends that suit me, i want community can i make an exception for those i have already? i don't think we see the world the same you love your life and see it like a gift and you love every day and you're grateful for it i see my time like it's something to waste it's just something that i want to get out the way
9.
i don't know how much sense this is gonna make i'm still a little drunk or high from whatever i did last night i woke up outside i saw the snow first time in four months that i could drag me out that hole i can still feel myself coming down when you get back home could you please get my washing out? hang it up to dry and let it sit you don't unfold the arms so when i come home they're all still sometimes i'm an addict to therapy this time though i'm doing a good job of getting clean daytime veins at night they fade to black guilty pressure in my bloodstream weighing on my back im liking a girl for the first time sort all of your shit out or she'll find some other guy my body's just a thing to hang my clothes off kisses on my skin don't matter if i can't feel them i'm tired of having all my own thoughts can't someone take over? youll become a better writer and you'll have a loving father you'll reject being a daughter and you'll love the arms around you and the people they come from too and you'll love the arms around you and the people they come from too
10.
waiting for the bombs to hit so far away no one even hears them but the blast irradiates the skin across your face why are you so sad today? ask it like i wanna hear about it who am i speaking to whenever i talk to you? and every time you see your face my mind could go ten separate ways i don't want to get up today my boy keeps telling me to stay swaying cause the bombs have hit shoulder on the doorway, lean against it no one even notices, you're pale and paper thin why are you still mad at me? as if i'm gonna make any changes you should just save and i know that's not what you wanna hear up at night, the stuff you take in rizlas is known to cause insomnia, i read up on your shit i heard your friend had a heart attack at seventeen nose always running like you've just gotten done vomiting quit doing this to me i heard your friend had a little too much to drink i saw a video of it when i was just a kid i think it messed with me
11.
my best friend told me that when he was twelve he found part of a dead body in the forest i remembered the story five years later recalled the thoughts like climbing up a ladder searching through dusty old boxes and bookshelves and when i asked him why'd you make it up, he said i was twelve peanut butter on toast, seven years old sleep next to my dad, watch tv in bed seven pm, seven grown to ten ordering pizza on the phone neither of my parents are home wine bottles, sky channels still makes me crawl up the walls how do you do it all? how do you do it all
12.
two gram bags for eighty, should've been fifty kid, you got ripped off bad but that's what he said and i know you're not the type to argue back so you keep them by your desk boy, you really underestimated how much i'd be calling you back cause one bag is already in the trash do you want to hear your ringtone? what it sounds like when i call you i don't want to be a tool but i've been missing you and i've been thinking about your fingers how underneath your nails i'll linger when you bite and you spit cause you taste me in all the bitter and i've been thinking about the mornings after when you get headaches when you need a shower when i keep you from getting out of bed keep you tied to your desk who can tell you're doing so much worse keep me close keep me there as a comfort glass of water every time in case i get stuck to your throat suck me up tell yourself one last time before you start to float and you don't want to write a song about it so you say you won't
13.
seventeen 03:43
i convinced you i was born before 2002 i was born at seventeen i was born in love with you i was thinking about art and the things that you create and the weight i get in my chest when somebody else says your name when you get my letter throw it away you said it last year in a sleepy tone 'don't doubt for a single second, i'm so much more in love with you than you know' and it shows when your arm's right by my side but when you're outside you like to keep it cold whatever, i'm ready to come and play whenever you're ready, come and play
14.
your box 03:06
you said somewhere along the lines i forgot how to love you properly and i know that that's ugly but i still think you're so pretty that stupid little fuck-up of a love's got me in such of a state i can't stand to be away from you for more than half a day and well isn't that the problem? that you can stay away for more than half a month and not notice how much i've changed listen to me, carefully i know that was always a big ask so i'll try and keep it brief and i wrote down all the words so you won't struggle to hear me cause you always thought i was too quiet with the harmonies and i gave you all my heart all bandaged in bubblewrap and you took it as a gift and didn't notice all the cracks and you ignored the sticker 'fragile', and now you think it's fine when we try to talk together but i miss you all the time i keep seeing all your art on all my walls and everything and i keep thinking of the stickers that you printed out for me and i keep saying if this last month didnt happen we'd be fine but you made the old me hate himself, you crossed another line and now how can you redeem yourself again how can i convince myself to start being your friend and you'll always have a special little part of where i lie but i'm moving soon, and i'm leaving your box behind

credits

released May 17, 2021

cover art edited by alex vilar-tedeschi, @toonasandwiches on social media!

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softest. Liverpool, UK

making sad music so i can be a happy person

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